The Ghosts That Haunt Women – And the Jewels That Transform Them

In the absence of a secure and self-valuing identity, women often find themselves inhabited by three archetypal “ghosts”: the Martyr, the Victim, and the Mad Woman. These ghosts emerge as voices in the mind, behaviors in the body, and patterns in relationships. They are not inherent to who we are but rather substitutes for the absence of a true self. Each ghost whispers a lie about our worth, tethering us to cycles of self-abandonment, self-negation, and self-hatred. Yet, within each of these patterns lies the seed of transformation—a jewel that can be unearthed when we reclaim our agency.

The Martyr: “It’s for you.”

The Martyr says, “I am here to serve others. My value lies in sacrificing myself.” This ghost thrives on self-abandonment—giving over to others, living at their mercy, and seeking approval, validation, and proximity to power at the expense of our own. Dependency, obsession, people-pleasing, comparison, and absorption into the masculine define her. She asks, “Why couldn’t you be perfect so I could finally stop working so hard to take care of everything?”

But beneath the Martyr’s sacrifice lies the jewel of vision. To reclaim it, we must move from self-abandonment to self-valuing. This means stepping into noblesse oblige—a noble responsibility not to others but to our own wisdom and self-determination. It is a shift from defining ourselves by others to defining ourselves for ourselves.

The Victim: “It’s because of you.”

The Victim blames the world for her pain. “I am unhappy because of you,” or even, “I am happy because of you.” Her locus of experience lies outside herself, placing her power in the hands of another. This ghost feeds on self-negation—rejecting sex, power, desire, appetite, and wisdom—all the elements that nourish a vibrant self. She starves herself of visibility, pleasure, and autonomy, living in a cycle of deprivation.

Yet the jewel hidden within the Victim is radiance. When we reclaim ownership of our lives, we shift from external blame to internal power. This is a return to magnetism, the ability to curve karma and signal our essence to the world. Ownership brings us back to our innate brilliance, allowing us to radiate from within rather than relying on external validation.

The Mad Woman: “It’s in spite of you.”

The Mad Woman is defiant, fueled by resentment and rage. She says, “I’ll destroy myself to show you,” or “I’ll succeed in spite of you.” Her world is shaped by self-hatred—shame, silence, passivity, and the acceptance of projections placed on her by others. She freezes, represses, and seethes, resenting both herself and those around her.

But the Mad Woman holds the jewel of creativity. When we reclaim agency, we transform the destructive force of resentment into the generative power of creation. Expression becomes the pathway out of passivity. Turning inward energy outward, we reclaim our voice, our power, and our capacity to change the world. Creativity is the ultimate act of liberation from the Mad Woman’s grip.

Addiction to Losing Value

At the root of these ghosts lies an addiction—an attachment to the experience of being of no value. Women often find themselves trapped in cycles of self-pity, martyrdom, victimhood, and defiance because, in the absence of a secure self, these identities become their “drugs.” They offer a temporary sense of identity but rob us of our true power.

The solution to this addiction is always agency. Each ghost is a passive state, and each jewel—a life of vision, radiance, and creativity—requires us to take assertive action. By stepping into ownership and self-determination, we reclaim the self that was lost.

The journey of transformation begins when we recognize the ghosts, name them, and call forth the jewels buried within. The choice is ours: to remain haunted or to take agency, value ourselves, and transform the world.