Perhaps you know the expression from the movie Hustle and Flow, “It’s hard out here for a Pimp”? Well, let’s just say, it’s not so easy out here for a non-monogamous woman either. You run into difficulties untold. There is no “you are here” map- everything is on the fly. I mean, The Rules -don’t call him or kiss him and just basically make him think that you hate him and then hook him and know that you will live happily ever after- don’t quite apply. It’s an unfamiliar nakedness, the nakedness of being stripped of any role, be it boyfriend or girlfriend or even booty call (because this isn’t that either) or even mine or yours which has a lot of built in auto-responders. There is a whole set of “his and hers” conversational etiquette that gets a big N/A stamp when you hit that category. Even the word “baby” as in “ooh baby” or even “I want to have your baby” sounds garbled in scripted at the same time. Yes, this is my most recent challenge of the non-monogamy road, recognizing the artifice that overlays sex-the ways that I have, unbeknownst to me, secretly injected future concepts (not the least of which is I will love you tomorrow or something of that nature) in an effort to pump up the sex. I had no idea that my sex was being constantly injected with a love steroid until I started stripping away all of the additives and let it roam the full expanse of my bed noticing what it migrated to, what it ingested naturally. View full article »
A few musings and discoveries from a woman recently unleashed, unhinged and undone.
Uncomfortable Discovery Number 1
Most men are terrible in bed-
Now that I am sleeping with more than one guy and now that I don’t have to convince myself that this is as good as it gets in order to get love so that I can then get security, I am confronted with a very disturbing truth-most men are appallingly terrible in bed. I’ve heard the stories, but in the world where I come from, the men are trained by the time they get to me.
Now, the stories have come to life in my bed- and I think, dear lord god, how did his last woman handle this?
There was a contraption that Amelia Erhardt’s people strapped her into, a kind of flight simulator. It had no windows and it spun three hundred and sixty degrees. After whirling around for minutes, the machine stopped. There, in the dark, perhaps hanging upside down, men with clipboards yelled into her and asked, “Okay, what’s your direction now?” And she shouted back an answer, maybe northwest. She did this for months, until she was right almost every time.
She needed an internal compass that wasn’t nailed down, a compass that she could rely on irrespective of weather or the accuracy of flight control. She needed something that functioned perfectly in all conditions.
My compass was pointing due Trader Joes. Nipples skimming my linen shirt, the sliding doors part. I am surrounded by cool air and barely audible easy listening music. While dropping edamame into my cart and looking at the fish, I feel a hit of full magnetization. My back straightens, and my whole body is alert. My heart, organs, and the clitoral arrow are drawn forward. View full article »
When a nervous nelly woman asked my Rabbi about the “dangers” of Kabbalah, wide eyed and tight lipped, he said simply, “Once you’ve seen a lawless land you don’t necessarily want to come back.”
To my estimation, religions go in two directions. Getting you out. And getting you back in. The “spritiual” aspect or esoteric gets you out into the trippy stratosphere, rockets you into the 4th dimension, injects you into a different set of underlying laws, wizardly, powerful, transcendent. And then there is the Emily Post aspect, the way to live now that you know what you know in such away that you don’t trigger an immune response in those still napping. And as stunningly ludicrous as it seems, after tasting a freedom boundless, to tighten the laces on that corset and adhere to right nicey-nice speed or wear hair suits, there is a responsibility that comes with knowing, and that is to recognize that knowing might just bump into the unknowing of another and collide into a great psychic pile-up. View full article »
On the path to awakening, sexual awakening, a woman comes to admit that she loves cock. Loves to suck it, stroke it, look at it, hold it, feel it, engulf it. It is a time that can be neither feigned nor faked. It comes from overflow – and solely from overflow. It comes when she is so full of orgasm that her body needs something to spill over onto. It is a significant point in a woman’s experience because this moment of realization is built on having passed through a lot of gateways. It means that she has moved through the first stage where she gives with the hope of getting. The mainstream depiction of a woman who wants cock which is so far removed from the truth that it is not only an inaccurate portrayal; it is the absolute antithesis of such.
This position, of giving to get, is founded on several beliefs – the first is that sex is for barter: that there is an underlying understanding that you must give to get and that the giving is in an action. I would say that the antidote, the belief that would dispel this is the idea that the price of pleasure is pleasure. One of the things that I most often hear is that there is no greater turn on than “turning my partner on” and yet in engaging the part of our minds that feigns pleasure, we are activating the very cortex that would prevent it. In other words faking and juice do not happen in the same arena. Pleasure is entirely involuntary and so to consider the effect you are having (a volitional thought) takes you out of the mind-set where you would be experiencing pleasure.
As women, we know that a man wants to experience us devouring his cock and we get a sympathetic turn on from this – but there are gradations of turn on. The first is egoic power. “I can control him”. But it is also based on the notion that men are dumb and can’t tell the difference between a woman who wants something, and a woman who simply wants. It is based in this idea that men are so desperate and hungry that they don’t care whether or not we are actually experiencing pleasure. Which, unfortunately, is to often true. And there are two responses a woman can have. The first is get together a gaggle of women, all of who believe themselves superior and talk about how dumb men are. The second is to make men smart. The way we do this is to give them the real thing. Think of it like McDonalds. The way you get someone off of McDonalds is to give them real solid good healthy food. It is to replace the craving for an empty calorie by replacing it with a nourishing calorie.
The best way to make a smart man, in other words, is to give him the real thing.
And the real thing is your unadulterated pleasure.
Your unadulterated pleasure can only be experienced when you need nothing from him but the pleasure of him.
In other words, you cannot wonder how you look and truly allow yourself to take, to devour, to receive what you want. There may be snot dripping down your nose, mascara smeared down your face, tears, laughing, gas… the whole gamut. And if you are looking for a man’s love or approval, you can only find it stepping outside of yourself and your total surrender.
The key is to remember that every stroke you fake, every moan, every time you “just let it go” and don’t ask for what you want is that much more time that you are postponing your own pleasure and confirming that it doesn’t really exist, your guy is a dud, the best you can hope for is to learn how to become a better and better pretender.
When the truth is that your surrender-to your own pussy, to the craving inside – is what draws out the brilliance in another.
The day a woman genuinely wholeheartedly loves cock, where he is just an innocent bystander from which your pussy takes what it needs for yourself, is the day that you have left the world of being a “dealer” and allowed yourself to become a “user” and this is where both people become equally vulnerable and intimacy is experienced and both are fully drenched in the same orgasm, together.
When I announced that I was non monogamous, I thought It was more like a confession than a declaration. It felt, at the time, like I was admitting that I don’t compost, or that I sneak cake when I said I’d be sugar free. I hardly expected it to be a pronouncement of independence.
I am discovering that my declaration has reverberations untold. I feel a bit like a teenage boy going through puberty. Turn-on abounds. What I’m realizing is that, lo and behold, turn on is the natural state. When you take that big sweaty saddle of romantic love off, the ride is smoother and more natural.
Case study one: Subject One is a man View full article »
Yesterday, I had the fairly shocking and disconcerting realization that I am a Non-monogamous woman.
Several decades of non-monogamous behavior was simply not enough to clue me in. It may sound terrible but I am a high-brow non-monogamist and so, looking at what would be my peer group, I identified not at all.
First of all, the culture of non-monogamists looks to be comprised of approximately 335, 000 men and 7 women. And it is not a mere matter of not donning a wedding ring and driving an SUV, but along with the cultural ethos of non-monogamy (likely one of the most unattractive words in the human language) there would seem to be an attendant prescription for “using one’s body in ways unimaginable”—from the wearing of strange fabrics, from hemp to animal pelts, to the insertion of objects into places that were meant to be exit-only. My Alice and Olivia sweater and Tory Burch boots were not on the suggested attire.
I imagine some of you have had great “white light” experiences, the kind that wake you up to changing your life. If you haven’t taken heed, you probably know that what you get instead is a slow erosion of your life. An erosion that takes you down, all the way to the bottom, so your self pity and pride can be chiseled away and who are really meant to be finally shines through.
In moving from being a girl to being a woman, you are going to have to move from being cute and edgy to being beautiful. And that is a very difficult transition. You will have to develop a whole new level of backbone, because being cute doesn’t get your ass kicked, but being beautiful will. Being beautiful, you confront every other woman who has to make that same transition and is terrified.
“Either you push your logical mind to find answers it is incapable of discovering or you say “I’m going to try a new way”. And that new way is to deliberately lean into the unknown.”
Watch Nicole teach at a recent one-day intensive in this clip.
