Women test high in agreeability and aversion to conflict, which leaves us either bitter from not asserting the desire laid in our souls or demanding it in such a way that we become a holy terror. The thought of a good fight for most women is akin to the thought of chomping down on human flesh. A disgust response occurs and we avoid. Unless you’re Sicilian, where passion is the roux and we don’t care what we cook with it–a good fight, a good drunk, a good session of making love. All create a friction that makes a fire that transforms. This is how you become an honorary Sicilian and save your soul.
Fight always for. It’s that simple. Fight for the person you are fighting with and for the execution of your dharma (life purpose). You were given a gift, a key that opened a door of liberation at one point and you want another to have it. And, you want to open to receive what they have to offer (with the understanding that with wisdom comes change, and you will be changed). Fighting against is for the old masculine guard, it’s obsolete and silly.
That being said, never, never, ever under any condition diagnose the person you’re talking to. It’s creepy, condescending and beneath you. “I see you are in your ego” is said by people entrenched in, you guessed it, their ego. Oh dear lord, these spiritual people and liberals. Mind you, I was once both and felt that it was very important that everyone know my view of their spiritual and psychological standing. Forgive me, Father! Like a sign at a hotel, flashing, “I want to seem important.”
That was when I was a little cub. As a lion, it’s just embarrassing to watch.
However, when you sense that someone is coming from hurt, it’s okay to say, it sounds like you’ve been hurt. It can soften the entry. If they say, “fuck you, I’ve never been hurt, you’re the one who’s been hurt,” back away from the door. Some of my sweetest turns though, have happened when I said that one simple thing.
Women and boundaries are like fish and bicycles; as beings born to merge we often have little idea how to use them. So often our biological and conditioned need to find peace and be liked will have us sell our souls, throw in the towel, back down, comply, appease, *or* try to prove, convince or *show* the other person. We are often bossy or spiteful where we lack conviction and capacity. I cannot tell you how many people—but women specifically—have an opening volley response that is just bitter and mean.
When listening to dramatic and thrashing responses, know that what the world calls “triggered” is really that a person’s area of self-doubt has been activated. We call that “hexed.” They are under the spell of the ego that always wants to look good and got exposed. They try to throw the discomfort onto you. When people, especially women, are anything from supercilious to petty, I know they are in self-doubt. The key is to try to figure out what they need. If they are really gripped to a position–dear lord I had one woman sending me tomes–I do one of two things: heavy pressure, usually in the form of data-topping–I can do intellectual sword fighting with the best of them–or just say simply, you are right. And keep going.
I met U Pandita, who was considered the fierce monk, but he got the job done. I’ve been considered a fierce one and wanted to do it as well as him. I asked him how he did it, he said, “be beyond reproach, practice harder than anyone.” Put your money where your mouth is. I started several nonprofits that feed several hundreds people a week, turn prisons into monasteries, turn the soil into carbon-absorbing, and help to strengthen the foundation of spirituality in Harlem. I am a voracious reader. I spend every moment wanting to know more. I live my politics so I’m not just yammering out of my social media neck. You know the old joke, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Make sure yours is clean.
My favorite Jordan Peterson quote: “A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very, very dangerous man who has that under voluntary control. And if you think tough men are dangerous, wait until you see what weak men are capable of.”
You’ll find it’s the “virtuous” people who proselytize. The harmless ones cause the most harm.
One of the absolute most enlightening things I’ve heard was my Drupon talking about a certain culture and how they were harmed. They thought if they just did good then good would happen. He said, “their denying that we are in Kali Yuga (the dark time of duality) will not protect them. Ignorance does not protect you.” Be dangerous but remember whatever you do, do it for all, including the enemy.
The wisdom of the fight was best offered by T.S. Eliot, “Teach us to care and not to care.” I care deeply for people and I don’t give a shit what they think about me. I think this is the best mixture for true dialogue.
Proverbs 26:4-5 nails it: “Don’t answer the foolish arguments of fools, or you will become as foolish as they are. Be sure to answer the foolish arguments of fools, or they will become wise in their own estimation.” I take this to mean that your best tool is the genuine intent to get out of suffering, the causes of suffering, and help others get out of suffering. Why? Because it helps you walk this line. Definitely put a stop to the tomfoolery of arguing to prove a point that is really a way of trading in pain. But do not back down when someone comes in with a tank of ignorance. The intent to carry the signal of benefit will make your signal strong and your backbone even stronger.
When Rick James lost his mind, he was asked what happened. He said, “Cocaine is a powerful drug.” While people are out there with their “justified hate,” more addicted than a meth head, remember righteous and justified hate are the absolute most addictive form. And know that whatever they say to you is just junkie talk.
Suffer no fools. And do not be afraid to advance. Criminals–and let’s be honest, trolls are the worst kind of criminals taking up space in your mind without paying rent–have a circle of fear. They are all bluster until you step in and then they magically disappear. There’s a video where a buffalo turns on a lion and the lion turns tail real fast. Be the buffalo.
A guy once pulled a knife on Trungpa. He walked towards it and said “do it”. Seven bandits brutally attacked Yeshe Tsogyal. Both turned the assailants into their most dedicated students. That is how you do it.
Don’t stoop. Stay human. If you lose your humanity for any reason including crimes against humanity, the real enemy wins. Set a standard, let no one kill your compassion. Why? Because compassion is a type of kryptonite that eventually deactivates the insanity that is self-righteousness.
A funny thing to keep in mind about haters and trolls is they are really, at bottom, compromised beings who have a crossed wire. “Being a monster will prove to people that you are big and bad and that will get you connection.” They cannot rise to the level of dialogue. There was a beautiful story of a guy who trolled a gym online because he was shameful and fat. They invited him in for free training. They saw him through his transformation. Great to keep in mind provided you do not put yourself in danger including dealing with someone so overtaken by klesha that they will harm you.
Say it in your native tongue. I’m Sicilian, I cuss, I use slang. I spent years as a slave to mediated “right speech.” Fuck that. It’s condescending and stupid. It’s pretending because you assume that the other person is weak and cannot withstand it direct. Fill your heart with love. Love love love. Then be you. Naturally. I can tell you, it’s a whole other world.
That being said, do have a real purpose for what you say and no complaining, bitching, adding to the hysteria, bashing, or defending “your” side. Adding to a pile of echo chamber views is not a purpose (if you heard it from CNN or Fox News, it’s an echo chamber view).
Speaking of hysteria, watch the movie. The plot is that women who do not get their genitals stroked are nuts and make everyone else nuts. Hysterical women will say hysterical things when I say this but the communication pollution in the world would disappear if more women had their genitals properly stroked. I promise you, the fact that you are a basket case and need to start gunning for bear is a direct result of an inflamed clitoris.
We have a country that suffers from a disposable mind-set – goods that are still usable and food into the dumps; children in orphanages while we still have to have our “own”; so much waste. Don’t add your words to that pile. Are you really adding anything, or just scratching the itch of your pain body?
When you are clear that you have an offering, there is no need to ensure that someone “gets it”. If someone doesn’t want it, keep on keepin’ on. You have hungry mouths to feed.
When people want to pick a fight, blex them. What’s a blexing? It’s a magic wand that stupefies. The ego wants one thing: to be right. When you are not in yours, you can afford to bow. If someone is advertising that they are more enlightened than you, more learned than you, whatever “more” they want to use as a weapon of assertion – let ‘em. Simply say, as the big bad wolf might: my what big enlightenment you have, my how wise you are. If they are really supercilious and serious about it, with a big puffed up chest, give ‘em a “you’re hilarious” or “you’re so cute” and be on your way.
If they are bound and determined, detach the lasso of hostility they put around you by giving them a genuine warm wish, “wishing you all the best on your journey”.
Apologies are for people who want to appease. Don’t offer them. They are bullshit, like trading in Monopoly money. Someone once said a great thing that forever changed my love of apologies, “don’t burden me with that, clear it up, let it go, think warmly of me, and come back and be my friend again, damnit.” Our culture has weaponized “accountability” with the shrill demand that we apologize for our original sin. Jesus was great but this Christian distortion is crap.
And remember, you are here to make love. It can be made out of any substance from a knock down dragon to a moment of recognition. Why? Because it’s all love and we are here rubbing things together to get enough firelight to see it as such.